M.I.A. – MAYA
It doesn’t get much worse than the over played, club-thumping, top 40, over produced drivel that is flooding the airwaves. M.I.A.’s new album MAYA is a shining example of the little amount of effort one needs to put forth in this day and age to make a hit record. In my very humble opinion, The Black Eyed Peas are still in first place for constructing what science has proven to be the worst music to ever be recorded (that’s true, ask any scientist, he’ll tell you what’s up), but since 2005 M.I.A. has been nipping at their heels in an attempt to be crowned queen of worthlessness. MAYA is chock full of brand new Paper Planes-esque hooks that will be stuck in your head for the whole 3 months a particular song is popular, but just you wait lucky listener because that’s not all! Strap on your dancing shoes and bust out your best “hood” clothes, because this time around M.I.A. manages to muster all of her creative juices and treat your eardrums to a cavalcade of abhorrent musical arrangements guaranteed to turn your brain into mush.
The majority of the album consists of crude, simply written lyrics that resemble a 13-year-old’s ramblings, blandly pumped through a multitude of effects processors and of course the old standby, Mr. Autotuner. When M.I.A. runs out of unfortunate worded “rhymes” about drinking or fucking, she resorts to baby sounds and that name game song… you know, the one where George’s name becomes “George George, bo Borge, banana fana fo Forge"… etc. Essentially resorting to whatever rhyming word pops into her brain at that particular second. Example: “club” – turns into "rub-a-dub-dub", or the even wittier "club-a-lub-a-lub". Just when you think that she is a one trick pony, M.I.A. really digs deep and pulls out some classic lines with Lovealot, “They told me this is a free country, and now it feels like a chicken factory. I feel cooped up, I wanna bust free. Got nothing to lose if you get me.” ...I think my head just exploded just typing those lyrics.
About halfway through MAYA the album takes a turn for the bullshit-ier. It Takes Some Muscle is M.I.A.’s failed attempt at faux-reggae that is so bad, Jamaicans have declared war on M.I.A.’s native Sri Lanka for inadvertently spawning such a heinous attempt/insult of rocksteady. Just when you think, “ok, ok… now there is NO possible way it can get much worse than that”, oh just you wait eager beaver! It’s time to jump right into the disappointing electro dance ballad, and cleverly named, It Iz What It Iz where M.I.A. monotonously croons to “Sharday” for three and a half painful minutes about her feelings over a thinly layered, thrown together beat. But wait… what is this? Born Free is a breath of fresh air! It’s upbeat, fast, has a killer bass line and a purpose. It’s like The White Stripes meet The Stooges meets the New York Dolls… This really has potential, wow I was way wrong about M.I… wait a minute… I’ve heard this before. OH WAIT, this entire song is an exact replica of Suicide’s Ghost Rider with an added and unnecessary drum track. Great, not only is M.I.A. creating new shitty music, but she’s making classic great music shitty in the process. The rest of the album is a blur… I’m pretty sure I spent the remaining tracks quietly crying in a corner, thoroughly convinced that music had officially been murdered.
Let me put it this way, if I had a choice between letting my children listen to Straight Outta Compton or MAYA, those little rugrats would be blastin’ N.W.A. like it’s going out of style. M.I.A. personifies everything that is wrong with the pop music industry; the greed, the repetitiveness, the cocky ”I-know-I’m-dumb-and I don’t-care” attitude, the boring sing-a-longs, the lack of talent, and most importantly the audience that buys into all of it and turns dipshits into millionaires. I truly believe deep down in my heart that M.I.A. is the embodiment of evil, disguised as a terrible singer/songwriter, bent on world domination by destroying mankind one set of eardrums at a time. The only thing more atrocious is the record producer that thought it would be a grand idea to through M.I.A. in a vocal booth.
1/5
-Reviewed by Drew Griffin
MAYA is not available at Road Records because I lit the album on fire when it was finally over. But no worries! There's PLENTY of good at Road Records. Go check it out!
